Friday, September 17, 2004
Schizophrenia
Something doesn't feel right. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't. There's more to meets the eye at this point in my life. Sometimes I wonder if It's possible that I'm so dillusional that I have created my own reality and see things the way I want to see them. The mind is so complex and poorly understood organ that I wouldn't be surprised. For instance, I used to wonder if everyone saw the color red the same way. What I see as red might really be what my brother wpuld see as blue. But we'd both call it red because all our lives we've been accustomed to calling it that. But if I were to jump into his body and see it, it would be blue. Am I making sense anyone? Well what if we all live in our own realities, where we controlled memories and emotions to suit our own purposes. Things would be so different if that were so, because reality wouldn't really be, well... real.
In any case, somethings up. Maybe it's not that deep, but maybe my perception and judgements have been impaired. I don't feel like the people I normally used to trust are always as trustworthy as I seem to think. People who have either been out of my normal circle seem more appealing, more trustworthy, more down to earth, more... real. The regulars sometimes seem so shady and deceptive that it sickens me. Everyone has they're own agenda these days. But I'm not one to complain because I times I do to. It could be me... and not everyone else, that would make more sense. But then I'd be crazy. Hmmm. It is possible. I'm just very paranoid lately... Very. I have this obsessive compulsion to always know things.... if something I want to know is under lock and key it drives me insane. I can't stand secrets. Maybe it's egocentric of me to think so, but I get the feeling like the situation may be manipulated by another party in order to affect me in a non-beneficial manner. Not necessarily to hurt me, per say, but affect me. That's the reason I stayed on the line with Fernando and Cindy before I moved to Florida and heard their real opinions. It's the reason I broke into Amy's e-mail when we were together. It's why I bugged my computer down in Florida and found out what I didn't want to confirm. But then... when this paranoic feeling sets in.... I'm usually right. Could it just be that somethings going on, and my "sixth sense" (if you will) is kicking in again? Or then again, we have the possibility that I am just crazy, or that everything I'm imagining isn't real. Maybe nobody I know exists. Maybe nothing I thought I knew was truth. Well it'd make a good movie at least. Well... that depends on if what I have come to know as movies really exist. Ok. Now I officially hahve a headache.
I've changed so much over the past few months. I have gone from a semi-introverted personality and drastically taken my personality to the other side of the spectrum. I make friends everywhere I go. I speak to strangers without pause. I no longer have a fear of public speaking. I am not so damned self-conscious anymore. I care about my appearance now, but in a positive way, not as negatively as before. I care about losing weight and want to do something about it now instead of just hating myself. I care about the clothes I wear and am developing a new sense of style and changing my wardrobe. Girls really don't intimidate me any longer, and I can freely spark a conversation up with a person of either sex with ease. Maybe now that I have finally broken out of my box, I have realized that there's more than what I have confined myself to for so many years. Different ways to have fun, different trains of thought, different ideas about everything, different opinions, different tastes, different lifestyles, different and diverse people. I am no longer content with a one-track lifestyle. I don't even know what I mean by all this. It's just wht is coming to mind. So often I use this journal as a mere record keeper. I jot down exactly what I did. But never what I thought or am thinking.
Unlike many people I know, I want to embrace everything and everyone into my life. There's no reason to fear a friendship, no reason to fear an outcome, no reason to fear others opinions or even death itself. Death is an eventuality that we will all have to encounter at some point. Death is just another part of life, and without it, then there isn't life. Just like there must be a balance between good and evil, moreso with death and life. Life is nothing with out death. It is the thought deep down in our minds that there is only a certain amount of time on this earth that drives us to do something with our lives. Maybe I have finally accepted that refraining from things I really want to do will only hurt me in the long run.
The past week has been a busy one indeed. DJing friday night, clubbing on Saturday (where I met the most adorable Colombian girl ever... more about her at a later time), and then work at Economy and Shelter Rock and Last Call. I began training on Monday for bartending at the bar. EMT classes have gotten more intense and now I find myself having to study the textbook or be totally lost. At least I have time for it now.
Chris, Benny, Sal, and I have gotten closer. They're a cool gang. Greg, the bartender from Shelter Rock is supposed to come down to Last Call tonight to hang and see if he can work himself into a job at the bar.
I'm going to get dressed and head out now. My sixth sense is going wild and I don't know whether to just go with the flow or be on guard anymore. I'm probably just crazy, and in the end that might be the better choice. I'll update about my week (and Tatiana) in detail later.
Doc Out.
Post a Comment
In any case, somethings up. Maybe it's not that deep, but maybe my perception and judgements have been impaired. I don't feel like the people I normally used to trust are always as trustworthy as I seem to think. People who have either been out of my normal circle seem more appealing, more trustworthy, more down to earth, more... real. The regulars sometimes seem so shady and deceptive that it sickens me. Everyone has they're own agenda these days. But I'm not one to complain because I times I do to. It could be me... and not everyone else, that would make more sense. But then I'd be crazy. Hmmm. It is possible. I'm just very paranoid lately... Very. I have this obsessive compulsion to always know things.... if something I want to know is under lock and key it drives me insane. I can't stand secrets. Maybe it's egocentric of me to think so, but I get the feeling like the situation may be manipulated by another party in order to affect me in a non-beneficial manner. Not necessarily to hurt me, per say, but affect me. That's the reason I stayed on the line with Fernando and Cindy before I moved to Florida and heard their real opinions. It's the reason I broke into Amy's e-mail when we were together. It's why I bugged my computer down in Florida and found out what I didn't want to confirm. But then... when this paranoic feeling sets in.... I'm usually right. Could it just be that somethings going on, and my "sixth sense" (if you will) is kicking in again? Or then again, we have the possibility that I am just crazy, or that everything I'm imagining isn't real. Maybe nobody I know exists. Maybe nothing I thought I knew was truth. Well it'd make a good movie at least. Well... that depends on if what I have come to know as movies really exist. Ok. Now I officially hahve a headache.
I've changed so much over the past few months. I have gone from a semi-introverted personality and drastically taken my personality to the other side of the spectrum. I make friends everywhere I go. I speak to strangers without pause. I no longer have a fear of public speaking. I am not so damned self-conscious anymore. I care about my appearance now, but in a positive way, not as negatively as before. I care about losing weight and want to do something about it now instead of just hating myself. I care about the clothes I wear and am developing a new sense of style and changing my wardrobe. Girls really don't intimidate me any longer, and I can freely spark a conversation up with a person of either sex with ease. Maybe now that I have finally broken out of my box, I have realized that there's more than what I have confined myself to for so many years. Different ways to have fun, different trains of thought, different ideas about everything, different opinions, different tastes, different lifestyles, different and diverse people. I am no longer content with a one-track lifestyle. I don't even know what I mean by all this. It's just wht is coming to mind. So often I use this journal as a mere record keeper. I jot down exactly what I did. But never what I thought or am thinking.
Unlike many people I know, I want to embrace everything and everyone into my life. There's no reason to fear a friendship, no reason to fear an outcome, no reason to fear others opinions or even death itself. Death is an eventuality that we will all have to encounter at some point. Death is just another part of life, and without it, then there isn't life. Just like there must be a balance between good and evil, moreso with death and life. Life is nothing with out death. It is the thought deep down in our minds that there is only a certain amount of time on this earth that drives us to do something with our lives. Maybe I have finally accepted that refraining from things I really want to do will only hurt me in the long run.
The past week has been a busy one indeed. DJing friday night, clubbing on Saturday (where I met the most adorable Colombian girl ever... more about her at a later time), and then work at Economy and Shelter Rock and Last Call. I began training on Monday for bartending at the bar. EMT classes have gotten more intense and now I find myself having to study the textbook or be totally lost. At least I have time for it now.
Chris, Benny, Sal, and I have gotten closer. They're a cool gang. Greg, the bartender from Shelter Rock is supposed to come down to Last Call tonight to hang and see if he can work himself into a job at the bar.
I'm going to get dressed and head out now. My sixth sense is going wild and I don't know whether to just go with the flow or be on guard anymore. I'm probably just crazy, and in the end that might be the better choice. I'll update about my week (and Tatiana) in detail later.
Doc Out.
Schizophrenia posted @ 7:57 PM :: 
Comments
Post a Comment